Andrea Nordling 0:00
Welcome back to the profitable nutritionist podcast, my friend. Today we are talking spouses and marriage and competing for time. What the heck does that mean? Well, first of all, if you know, you know, secondly, it probably applies to you in any serious relationship, whether you’re married or not. But this is something we have to talk about because growing a business takes time, and it may be taking time away from other things that people in your life wish or think that you should be spending time on, there could be a lot of shoulds in this conversation, and we need to know how to talk about it. We need to know how to navigate all of the demands on you and your family and your relationships. When you’re growing your business. What the expectations should be how to navigate these conversations. What’s realistic, what isn’t realistic, if someone is unsupportive or not. That’s a topic of conversation this episode, and so much more. So I thought to have this conversation, there was no one better to bring on to talk to you than a marriage coach that I have not one not only can call a friend, but I have also personally worked with my husband and I coached with Shavon for quite a while. And so spoiler Shavon Porat is we’re talking with on the podcast today, and she is a marriage coach. She specializes in helping people create amazing, amazing marriages. And because she’s a business owner herself, and because she coaches so many business owners and knows intimately what the issues are, that come up in marriages around one person being a business owner, or in some cases, both people being business owners, and really competing for time, we knew we had to have this conversation, it is a part one conversation. So a couple episodes ago, I introduced you to my friend and people pleasing coach Sarah Fiske, who taught some strategies for people pleasing, and she is doing a full workshop inside the profitable nutritionist program in June. This is the same scenario. So Shavon is going to talk about how competing for time with your spouse shows up as a business owner shows up in your marriage, and what you can do to immediately change some of these conversations and dynamics in your marriage if that is something that you’re struggling with. And also, she is going to be taking this to the next level with a full workshop inside the profitable nutritionist program that she is teaching on May 20. So I have two things to tell you listen to this episode, you’re going to love it. Secondly, if you are not in the profitable nutritionist program yet, you need to be doors are opening on May 16. So when you join on May 16, when the next enrollment opens up, you will then be getting a link to join the workshop on May 20, where you can put these strategies to use you can actually get questions answered from Shavon. She’s going to be teaching some more in depth strategies around time and time as a business owner and how to navigate that with your spouse. And you’ll be able to get coached by her. So it’s very, very important to me that you know that you can take this conversation to the next level in the part two, which is a full workshop on May 20, inside the profitable nutritionist program. Now when you join the program, you have lifetime access to workshops like this when they happen. And I love to bring on my very, very smart friends and experts that I work with to teach strategies to my students. So whether you joined last month or three years ago, you get to come to the workshop with Shavon on May 20. And again, you get all of the details for that, about the upcoming enrollment and everything else you need to know at the profitable nutritionist.com/join. So if you’re not already on the waitlist, go to the profitable nutritionist.com/join add yourself to the waitlist. If you’re listening to this in the future, you will always see when the next Enrollment Dates are on that page and add yourself to the waitlist. But if you’re listening to this in real time, you are in luck, because this conversation is the first part two, a two part was Cheban. And you get to take that to the next level on May 20 Inside the program. So without further ado, I’m going to hand this over to let you listen to Shivani wisdom she has so much to say about the do’s and don’ts from her experience. And with coaching so many marriages that have at least one if not both people as business owners, you’re going to learn so much. I’m so excited for you to listen specifically, if you are wondering how some of the things we talked about how to navigate expectations from your spouse or with your spouse when you’re working from home. Maybe they have a different idea of what working from home looks like than you do. This is one component of the conversation. We also really got into what to do when your spouse is unsupportive of the time that you’re spending on your business and they think you should get a different job or do something else because it isn’t working. What do you do? How do you have those conversations? We got into all of it. It’s so good. All right. I’ll stop babbling and hand it over to Sean let’s go Shavon is here on the podcast. Welcome to your I think this is your second time here. I think this is our second covers and it’s been long overdue to do another one. Welcome.
Chavonne Perotte 5:03
Thanks for having me. I’m glad to be back.
Andrea Nordling 5:06
Okay, so tell everyone how amazing you are. I mean, I’ve already injured you. And I’ve already told them how amazing you are. But you should tell them what you do. And why you are an authority to be talking about competing for time with your spouse,
Chavonne Perotte 5:19
oh, my goodness, where do we began? So here’s the quick of it, right? I too, am a business owner, I too, have a spouse, I too have children to have other areas of life that need attention. And so I think one of the amazing things about being able to have this conversation and to share both my lived experience and my expertise is that is my superpower. I think as a coach that I started my business and I started this work really from a place of academic expertise. I studied relationships, I studied communication, I worked for an organization where literally I did trainings and programming around healthy relationships, and really started this business like, Oh, I’m the expert. I know everything. My marriage is the creme de la creme and all perfect, and you all are missing out because you haven’t learned what I’ve learned. Right? And then it wasn’t right. And I have to say that it really was my business and choices I made awarenesses, I didn’t have mistakes we made as a couple in this decision that actually created the greatest strain on my own marriage. And so when I think about having this conversation, and sharing, it’s like, I know it because I lived it. And there’s so much value in hindsight learning, which is an actual concept that I teach my clients, where you do the wrong things, you learn the lessons, and then you pick yourself back up, and you do it 10 times better moving forward. And so I think that is one of the things that really is an asset to anyone in my world. And it’s so ironic because when I started my business, I called it relatable. And I knew that as a coach in this industry, part of my unique positioning is my relatability is the fact that not only do I know this stuff academically, I can tell you all the best practices, but also I’ve had to put those practices to work. And then I can sort of digest them for you in a way that’s really easy for you to understand really easy for you to believe, Oh, she gets it like she gets it at a different level than the average. So that’s why I’m so amazing.
Andrea Nordling 8:11
Is why you’re so amazing. It is oh, I have so many questions I want to ask, well, let’s just dive in. No, I have to say now I’m deciding what direction to go. Okay, well, first of all, put a pin in this, we need to talk about the strain that your business put on your marriage. Let’s get specific about that. So we’re going to come back to that. Before we do, I have to ask how was your recent retreat, I know that you’re just coming back from meeting with your clients in person. And the last time you were on the podcast, you did not have a group program, you did not meet with your clients in person. And you were working exclusively with one on one clients. So I feel that we have a little ketchup to do on how that has changed in your business a little bit, which I think probably is a great segue into the time conversation from going from exclusively one on ones to now having a group. What does that look like? And then how was your retreat? And just tell us?
Chavonne Perotte 9:04
Oh my gosh, hey, birth a whole baby since probably. We were here. Yes, I have a new offer. It is called the marriage upgrade. It is literally the best thing any couple can ever do for themselves and for their marriage. So the way that that program runs is it does start with a two day in person retreat. We are typically hosting that retreat in the New York City area. So for those of you who like a city chic vibe, you will absolutely get that. But what is absolutely incredible about that part of the program is really being able to sort of press pause on your very busy lives. And all of the stress and demands of your day today and to seclude yourself with each other. And what this experience offers is an opportunity to first reconnect to what you love about each other, I think so much in the hustle and bustle of life, you’re not having those moments of like, oh, remember this thing that we used to really love and enjoy doing. And one of my favorite activities we do is this little, it’s kind of like arts and crafts. So I run retreats, they’re very interactive, they are very fun and engaging. And people do a little bored of their relationship, like how they met certain milestones, how they became engaged, and everyone gets to tell their story of their love. And just the act of doing that, it literally raises your vibe towards each other, it raises your connection towards each other. And it instantly just put you in an elevated space, as you think about your relationship, right. And so then we do that, and we do a lot of different exercises. One of the things that I think really stands out to people about this experience is it’s the opportunity to have so many of the conversations you needed to be having in your relationship about your marriage, with guidance, and with like, bumper guards up. So that really heard and you get it right, so the comment that time and time again, people say and this experience is, I finally feel like my partner heard me, I finally feel like they understood this is something I’ve been saying to them for years. But today we had a breakthrough, they understand it at such a higher level. And the retreat is just the beginning. Right. So it’s a six month program that offers a lot of dynamic experiences. Because I have a adult training background, I know how to attend to a lot of different ways that people learn. So in a couple, you have two different people with two different brains, ingesting and digesting information differently. And so what works for you doesn’t necessarily work for your spouse. And so I have to attend to all the ways people understand and receive information, all the interactivity, all of the multi level conversations that need to have. And this program offers that in a group setting, which is also an enormous advantage. People time and time again, say, hearing this other couple, describe what they’re going through, helped me see things helped me understand something my partner had said to me. And now I hear it from this other person. And I’m like, Oh, I actually get it now. Because your walls are down and you’re not feeling like it’s a personal attack on you. And you see how like nothing we experience is so unique. It’s not just us, it’s not just me, it’s not just my partner. It’s the universal dynamic and the universal challenges of all couples. And I think with marriage, more than any other aspects of your life, that is the place where it’s you and your own little silo struggling in your own little way, afraid to talk to other people about it. But you get in this amazing, safe space of like minded people who are there with the same goal. And you see, it’s not just us. And in seeing that it’s not just you, you see that it’s so solvable. It’s so easily able to be worked out and worked through. And it is the joy of my life, the delight of my heart to be able to do this work in this way as well. It’s
Andrea Nordling 13:58
the best group coaching is the best for that reason, because you don’t know what you don’t know. Somebody else asked the question and realized, oh, my gosh, I could have questioned that for me too. And I didn’t even know I should be like that’s, that’s incredible. So on the topic of time, and maybe this is going to bleed into spousal support of your business as well. I think that that’s a component of competing for time with your spouse, when you are growing a business that there’s a level of belief and support. And I just all of the things all of the like we want our spouses to be bought in on what we’re doing and what we’re spending our time on in our business. And so if that isn’t there, or if that isn’t being communicated or if that isn’t, I think for a lot of us like we have a very certain way that we would like to be supported. But we of course are never going to say what that is they have to read our minds and at is this there’s like their conversations that need to happen. So hopefully, this is not going to be a like any sort of a substitute for coaching with you in your program. But hopefully this conversation that we’re gonna have, and then the coaching that you’re going to do in the program in May is going to help people to see that the the issues that they are having with their spouse in regards to their business or time spent on their business or focus on their business or money spent on their business, I mean, all of those apply, that you’re not the only one. And I think that that really is the big overarching theme. So we all are going to have these same struggles in relationships, because the humans have to figure out how to have relationships with the humans and in business, when we’re really focused on a goal. And we’re really focused on something that lights us up that we’re excited about, we can also maybe lose focus on our people, or spouses, and they might get a little mad about that. So let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about first of all, how did this show up for you? I’m super curious. And I’ll be very honest about my experiences, too. Yeah.
Chavonne Perotte 15:52
So the way that it showed up for me was first, so my husband was incredibly supportive of me, starting my business, I actually started my business on maternity leave. And so here is I think, the first sort of like, in hindsight, the first disconnect between the vision he had in his mind and the vision I had in my mind. So on maternity leave, were having conversations already about me leaving the job that I had the work that I was doing, it was very demanding, very overwhelming. And I was like, I want to be able to be home more. So we have that as the plan. And there was not this intentional conversation of like, okay, you’re going to be home, and then you’re going to start a business, it was like, Okay, you’re gonna be home, you’re gonna feel things out, figure out what you want to do, if you want to do anything like there was, there was no expectation on his part that I was even going to be work. So he’s now driving his car of like, Great, I’m gonna have stay at home wife, and she’s gonna love being home. And I’m gonna love being able to pursue my career and my work. And let me just like, say what he does, because this is relevant. He is a emergency physician, but also, at the time had lots of aspirations to move into administration. So that’s just like, his trajectory of history and for his life, which I fully support. So he’s thinking, like, Yes, I’m gonna have the stay at home, mom, and I am enjoying my newborn, right, and also having a huge identity crisis, that at the time I wasn’t aware of. And so I had, at the time that I left work, I had my doctorate already, I had my dream career, I had progressed in all the ways that I had wanted to professionally. And when I was at home, not using my brain and my energy, the way that I had been used to, I didn’t know what to do with myself. And so I decided, Oh, I’m gonna start a business, just start a business while you also have a newborn baby. And so what I wasn’t aware of which I’ve later learned and grown so much, and I think this is important for everyone to think about, what is it that you’re looking for your business to do for you? Oh, so good. Yeah, what I wasn’t aware of was I was looking for my business to fuel. My ego, again, the way that achieving a very high level academically and a very high level professionally had done. And so when you’re starting a business from scratch, you’re not there, right? There’s so much you don’t know, even though I was already skilled and have a lot of assets as an actual coach, I didn’t know anything about building a business and actually making a profit. And so it was that part because when I left my job, I was making over six figures. And so to now be in this place of not, I’m financially dependent on my husband, we already manage our money very differently, which when I was making six figures wasn’t a problem, because it was like, I get to make these choices. You get to make these choices, we come together on these choices, and life is great. But that shift of like, okay, I’m not bringing in money. And now I have to negotiate conversations about money with you in a different way. And internal identity shift of myself of not only being a new mom, but also starting from the bottom really in a career that I’m literally like building brick by brick from scratch. And I think what I wasn’t aware of is just how much I was looking for my quick and immediate success in my business, to replace my identity. And I will admit, and I will acknowledge that in my quest to grow fast in my quest To make a lot of money quickly, because you see all the people, you go to all the webinars, you listen to all the podcasts, right. And I just expected that. And so I was working way too much. And I wasn’t present. And I wasn’t enjoying the space of our new family, right? It was almost like, I got to take care of this baby. But I want to be over here making all these social media posts or whatever I was doing. And in the absence of that clarity for myself, and in the absence of a really clear conversation with my husband, he began to just withdraw, right? Because it’s like, okay, well, this is what you’re doing. The dream I had of like, our family looking this way is not what you’re pursuing. You don’t really have time for me, you barely have time for the baby. And, again, his attachment style communication style, which is my whole podcast, those types of things. He we didn’t have those conversations. And I wasn’t aware. And so it wasn’t until he had built up a lot of resentment that was unspoken, that it was like, Hey, are we good? Because we had actually started the relationship and marriage coaching part of my business together with couples events. So he supported it, because he was like, this is going to be a beautiful hobby that my wife has, and maybe she’ll make some money, and maybe eventually she’ll grow it. But he wasn’t aware and cognizant of my drive to grow it fast. And I remember as we were doing these in person, couples events, as soon as one was finished, I was like, let’s plan the next one. He was like, Wait, like, hold on, like, but that was just again, the miscommunication of like, I want to go fast. And he was thinking like, this is just going to be a measured thing that’s gonna build up over time, and it’s gonna be great when it’s time for it to be great. And I was like, I gotta push it to be great. As fast as possible.
Andrea Nordling 22:08
Yeah, competing for time, right? They’re totally. Yeah,
Chavonne Perotte 22:12
totally, totally.
Andrea Nordling 22:13
All of it. I get all that I love the question about what do I like? What? I don’t know how you phrase it, it was way better than I’ll say it, but like, what am I expecting my business to provide for me? Or like, what do I want out of my business? That’s a great, great question. How did you say it? You said it way better?
Chavonne Perotte 22:29
What am I looking my for my business to do for me? Yeah. Yeah.
Andrea Nordling 22:33
And I think that that changes over time. I think initially, I was trying to answer that for myself. And initially, it was like, freedom, want time, freedom, I want money freedom, I want to not think about, Do I have enough room on this credit card to go get the good groceries? Like, I don’t want to make any of those decisions, I want to think about that. It’s that kind of freedom. And then I can definitely see for sure for myself as time has gone on as I felt secure. In that way. It is then morphed into more of an ego. Like there are moments of that for sure. Where it’s like, oh, this makes me feel really good. I’m good at this. I like this feeling. Let’s go. No, that’s interesting to check in on. Okay, note to self
Chavonne Perotte 23:16
is interesting. And I think I have to say like, it also depends on like, what circles you’re in, right? Because like the the rooms that you place yourself in also, in many ways, set some of those expectations, because it’s what you’re exposed to. And so I know, for me, even as I was building my business before, you know, you and I initially connected and even just thinking about probably the approach you take with your clients. It was all like, scattered business building, right? Because there wasn’t at the time, this is 10 years ago, right? So for all of you listening, the field of business, Online Business Building has shifted and change so much, but when I was first coming into it was like, set it and forget it with this funnel, put this opt in and like do a Facebook ad and none of it really matched me as a person. But I was all like scattered. And so that’s where the overworking came of, like, I’m over here chasing this strategy. And then I’m over here chasing this other strategy. And so I think, you know, coaches like you that offer a much more like, comprehensive like, this is the thing. You provide a home base for people to not be so scattered, doing 17 different things at once and not knowing what’s really going to work.
Andrea Nordling 24:40
Yeah, I appreciate that. And I think that that is so true, because 10 years ago, it was scattered because you had to work really hard to find this information. It wasn’t as readily available. It was people weren’t talking about it the way they are now. And I think that like pros and cons to both, but now there’s so many options and there’s so many people Well, that are specialists. And there’s so many strategies, and there’s so many success stories to look at that that’s overwhelming. So yeah, really sifting through the clutter and figuring out what are the things like how do I want my business to be and feel and operate? And then work backwards on okay? And then then how do I create that. And it usually means putting the blinders on, and not looking at what everybody else is doing, and all of the crazy things that you could be doing, because we could be doing all of the things, and then that makes us very sick. And it breaks our bodies, and it breaks our brains, and it probably breaks our marriages. So let’s not do that. You have no time, right?
Chavonne Perotte 25:33
You have no time. It’s like, when you’re trying to do 15 different things. There’s just no way. There’s enough time there, any of them well.
Andrea Nordling 25:43
And I think that the temptation then is to say business is hard. Business takes too much time, business owners sacrifice their relationships and their and there’s like so many stories around that. But really, that’s a product of taking on way too much trying to wear all of the hats and do all of the strategies instead of focusing relentlessly on what you actually want your business to look like, feel like and operate, like and then figuring out how to do it and saying like, No, this is really important to me, this is how I want it to be I want to work these hours, I want to work with these kinds of clients, I want to market my business in these ways. And that’s sustainable for the long term. And I’m gonna figure out how to make that work. And just being relentless about that, instead of not seeing results right away. And we never see results as fast as we want to, like ever. So the temptation is, I didn’t see the results right away, you got to try something else got to try something else got to try something else. That is what takes up so much time. Instead of, okay, I didn’t see results right away. And I’m in this container of other entrepreneurs. And I knew that that was going to happen, because we’ve totally normalized that that our brains want it to go.
It always takes more work and longer than we think is going to, which is
Chavonne Perotte 26:53
exactly why it’s so important that you, you select the strategies that you genuinely love, that really align with who you are and how you want to build your business. Because when you’re doing something that you don’t love, just because you think it’s the thing that’s gonna get you the results. When it doesn’t get you the results, you stop, you abandon it, because it wasn’t the right fit for you anyways. But when you pick a way that you love, no matter what it gives you so much more room to be patient with the process, because you love it like it’s in vet, you’re invested in it, it represents what you really want. And whenever you’re pursuing what you really want, you don’t give up and then you ultimately get it. Yeah. And I think to
Andrea Nordling 27:39
tie that into how we communicate that with our spouse or partner. There’s there’s some level of awareness even with somebody that isn’t in your business that doesn’t understand business strategy, or isn’t in it like in the weeds in it with you, day to day and understanding every thought that you have in your brain there is some level of awareness that people in our life have about you don’t even like doing that, why are you doing it? Or what is your thing? What isn’t your thing? And I think that there probably we should talk about this. I think that there’s a lot of disconnect for people in their marriages and in relationships, when someone they feel like isn’t supporting them. But really, that person might not be communicating with something that they see. Which is like, I don’t think that that’s the way you should be doing that. Because you don’t like that you don’t want to do that forever. Social media is a big one. Like writing if you’re not a writer, maybe writing isn’t your thing going on video. I know a lot of my clients have a lot of drama about being on video, they don’t want to be on video. So it’s like when why are we doing? So there could be opportunities for people in your life seeing that and you feeling unsupported. But really, they’re like, I just think that there might be a different way. Okay, no, no,
Chavonne Perotte 28:42
it isn’t. Let’s dive there. Because it’s really important, because it reminded me of like a question my husband had asked me, that was very triggering to me at the moment at that time. But in hindsight, I see exactly what he meant. So when it comes to the way your partner may or may not be supporting you, right, when you’re having these conversations, I want you all to tune into when you feel triggered, because again, part of it is part of the disconnect when you’re not feeling like your partner is supporting you at the level that you would like it to signal that you need either some realignment or internal validation. Okay. So when my husband said to me, he asked me this question, because I was painstakingly spending hours upon hours on the aesthetics of material, right. I’m a visual person, I like beautiful, gorgeous things. And he asked me once he was like, do you care more about making that pretty or making money?
Andrea Nordling 29:46
So it’s such a good question. Such a good question. And I was like,
Chavonne Perotte 29:52
both right. But in hindsight and in different phases of my business, my answer would be totally A Different, right. But I was so triggered by that because I was like, How dare he asked me this question. Yeah. But now with so much more awareness, and teaching so much more on triggers, right? That was a time for me to go inward. And for me to first ask, why does it bother me? Right? So when your partner is asking you like, did that produce any results? Or, like, whatever they’re asking you, you know, the questions that they ask that like really get under your skin. Instead of looking at them as being unsupportive instead of looking at them as not believing in you and trying to be a Debbie Downer on the party you’re trying to build. You want to go inside and you want to begin to ask yourself, why does it bother me so much that they’ve said this or asked this? You want to also ask yourself, if you perceive what they’re asking you as a statement about you, you want to ask where do I believe that about myself? Right? So when my husband asked me that question, what I interpreted that to me was that he thought I was wasting my time on stuff that didn’t matter. Yeah. And because I was triggered, and I was looking at him, instead of looking at inside myself, I didn’t ask myself that question. Right, where do I, you know, Shavon? Where are you using and spending your time and ways that don’t really matter to move the needle in your business. And at that phase in my business, the aesthetics of things didn’t really matter that much, right? So again, like, I think, sometimes when we aren’t as validated within ourselves, and that just means when we don’t truly trust and believe in our success, and trust ourselves to either figure it out or experiment a lot and have a lot of trial and error to figure it out. Then whenever our partner asks a question, or communicates anything that smells of doubt, and lack of belief in us, we are going to be hyper reactive to it. But it is the time to anchor in to, I trust myself, I’m figuring this out, I know how to get the help and support that I need. And this is ultimately going to work even if there are what feel like fails, which it’s not failure, you’re either winning or you’re learning those are the only two options as you’re building a business. But when you know that, and you really believe that, then those offhanded comments or questions from your spouse aren’t going to land as painful or as aggravating or as hurtful as they might otherwise.
Andrea Nordling 32:42
Yeah. And I think that that’s just yeah, that’s just a great reminder, if your spouse is questioning how you’re spending your time, and it bothers you, it’s probably because you’re questioning how you’re spending.
That’s it right? Exactly. Yeah, I’m thinking like right now
I feel very efficient in the use of my time. I feel like I get a lot of stuff done in the hours that I work. And I’m pretty proud of the amount of production going on over here. I’m actually trying to rest more. So that’s a sidebar. But if Greg questioned me about how I’m spending my time, I would not bother me at all. I’d be like, I wish you would follow me around for a day. And you could see that there because there’s no part of me that doubts that. But if I wasn’t in belief of that, I would be real pissed.
Not like that question. Great, great reminder, okay.
With over 100 episodes of the profitable nutritionist podcast at this point, my team asked if we could create a podcast and roadmap quick guide to the most popular episodes, which I thought was a fabulous idea. They’re so smart. We ended up categorizing 30 ish of the top episodes into a few different lists and categories. So you can easily find the most useful content for exactly where you’re at in your business right now. To get the podcast roadmap download, just go to the profitable nutritionist.com/roadmap One word, you’re more than welcome to binge all of the episodes, of course, but if you’d like the shortcut guide, this roadmap is going to be gold for navigating to the exact episodes that you need right now. Again, download the PDF at the profitable nutritionist.com/roadmap. So in competing with our spouses for time, what are some things I was gonna give some like ideas of how I think that this could show up. But I think it’s better to ask you because you work with business owners, you are a business owner, like we said, you you coach on this all the time. How do you see that showing up? Because it could be like it could be sneaky how this competing for time, like manifests with our spouses or partners. What do you see that look like? Sure.
Chavonne Perotte 34:42
So I think one way that it shows up is in the dynamic of working from home and not working from home right so perhaps your spouse works outside of the home or they may be home on occasion. They may have some days their home as well. I think there is this sort of like idea that when someone is working from home, that they’re not really working, yeah, that, Oh, you can cook dinner, you can put something in the laundry, you can run this errand, you can make this phone call. And yes, I think many of us have, you know, online businesses or work from home for that freedom and that flexibility, but it is a balance. And so I think one of the things that comes up for people is, if their spouse isn’t also working from home, they automatically don’t get what it’s like to work from home and to try to create some structure around your day to be productive. On the other hand, there are also instances where if your spouse, whether they work from home or not, because you were the entrepreneur, and because you are the one dictating exactly what you do, and when you do it, there is also sometimes this gap of just understanding that, that even though you have complete autonomy, of when you record your podcast, as a business owner, and a mature CEO, it is important to you that you honor your word, right. So even though it might not be a meeting with another person, it’s a meeting with yourself, and it’s a meeting for you to move and take action on your goal. And so sometimes, your spouse won’t understand that they may invite you to do something in the middle of the day. And it’s like, no, I can’t do that. I’ve got to do X, Y, and Z. And they may not understand because they’re like, who said you had to do that? No one is like going to be mad if you don’t? And yes, as the CEO, you get to decide, oh, yeah, I’ll take this time with you. I’ll move this to another slot and my schedule. So those are some of the things that I see, again, with the dynamic of like, being an entrepreneur that primarily works from home. I think the other thing that sometimes comes up for people is needing dedicated time to do the work, especially if you have children. So I think again, because some of the work of building a business isn’t like client facing and you’re not like an actual meetings with people. There can be time where maybe your spouse, maybe you have time that you’re like, Okay, I’m gonna work on my business from these hours to this hour. And maybe you have kids, and maybe allegedly, your spouse is supposed to be watching those kids. Yet, when you’re trying to like hammer out your posts or your emails, some child is coming to interrupt you
Andrea Nordling 37:45
where I’m coming from gosh, yeah, exactly. Because
Chavonne Perotte 37:50
right, oh, you’re not in a meeting, it’s not that big of a deal. Right. So that can create some frustration. And then I think the last thing that I often see is when you don’t have the clarity for yourself around your working hours versus your non working hours. And I know for me, as a mom, who is the person that is primarily responsible for getting my kids to school, picking them up cooking dinner, all of that I have found my own set of challenges with when I am naturally more productive, and in a more creative space, versus when I’m like on my mom family duty time. So if I didn’t have children that I needed to take for school, I would be out early morning. Creative, right, I would create my content, do anything that use the highest level of my brain power in the morning, but because my life is it conducive to that I have to force myself to shut that off sometimes. And it’s hard. And so I know for myself, sometimes when I get an idea, right after I get out of the shower, and really what I need to do is like, pack up the lunches. I’m like trying to do both, right. And that creates a level of stress and frustration within me. So then, you know, if my spouse is around or whatever, it creates this, like you’re always working, right? Because maybe your natural rhythms of productivity and creativity interfere was like when you need to be there for your family. So I think that’s another thing to just notice and pay attention to and to figure out how you want to work around that. Yeah.
Andrea Nordling 39:45
Okay. So let’s talk about that. What would be some strategies for having that conversation with your spouse that may or may not understand what that feels like? Sure.
Chavonne Perotte 39:53
I think it’s just being transparent about it. Right. And I’ve had that conversation with my husband. And what’s interesting even about I guess I’ll give a little bit more context to our home as we problem solve this is because my husband commutes an hour. So he commutes an hour, he is now an administrator, right? And so he leaves the house at, like, let’s say he leaves the house at like six or seven. And he doesn’t come back home till six or seven. Okay, so as I have to navigate and problem solve this, I don’t actually have him here to say like, Oh, can you stop what you’re doing so I can do this. The way we have solved that is by getting other hands on deck, right? So I don’t have someone that comes in in the morning. But another productive creative time for me is in the evening, when I’m like, suppose be cooking dinner, I think it’s probably just the monotony of like cutting up the vegetables that my brain is like, Oh, here’s an idea. Here’s an email, you want to do a post, right? So what I do sometimes is I just have someone come in, and just be that extra set of hands. My kids are young. So I think that’s also an important context. They’re seven and nine. And so sometimes I can be like, okay, just go over there and do that. But like, when it comes to dinner, like they’re not going to be able to like cook their dinner. So kind of dinner, you probably want the meeting. Exactly, exactly, my son will be eating like a block of cheese, my daughter would be in cotton candy all the time. Right. So the way I have navigated it is either by getting an extra set of hands, or I’ll quickly jot down a note. But I think what has been most important for me, is the trust and belief in myself that when I do have the time of uninterrupted space to actually take action on whatever idea that that will be enough. Yeah, because when I am running around frustrated and annoyed, oh, I don’t have any help, oh, I can’t work on my business when I want to, that for sure blocks creativity and puts you in a bad energetic state. So sometimes when those downloads are coming in, the ideas are literally like knocking me over the head, I have to simply say to myself, this will be available to you and an hour after the kids are dropped off, you are going to be able to tap right back into this, you’re going to be able to get right back into flow and knock this out without the stress of like someone potentially interrupting you, or whatever the case may be. But it is a mindset of really just trusting for yourself to things that there is enough time to do all that is really the most important for you to do. And any idea or creative endeavor that sort of pops up to you at an inopportune time will also be available to you when you do have the time.
Andrea Nordling 42:48
Oh, that’s such a great reminder is the important stuff, we’ll come back we’ll have it. It’s okay, having systems to record it and not forget I think is beautiful, but also trusting yourself to if it’s important. I’ll remember this. It’s okay. That’s so good. So okay, we have unrealistic expectations for how long things will take that’s really helpful as entrepreneurs, and then we are always behind, that’s also helpful, we’re thinking I’m behind, I should be further ahead, that feels great. And then we set really intense goals for ourselves in even shorter amount of time, because we think if I just am under enough pressure off, sure, figure this out, that feels fantastic. And then we wonder why we might have some strife in other areas of our lives and why people around us maybe don’t understand that or don’t understand why we don’t ever turn our brains off or why we’re always working and always trying to squeeze in a little bit extra. So we as the business owner think that the problem is that our houses aren’t supportive, or that there isn’t enough time. And we’re competing for time. And really, we need to take a little bit of ownership on creating that experience by having some unrealistic time expectations as well. So let’s talk about that. Let’s talk about maybe spreading out the trajectory, or that’s not the word I want to say. But whatever the timeline, the allocation was he calls it the time horizon. Like if the time horizon is long enough, we can get it all done. But we try to make things so crazy on ourselves, and then obviously bleeds into our relationships. What do you think about that? Yeah,
Chavonne Perotte 44:26
yes. And I think to some degree that comes from the belief that we all have learned that you have to work really hard. And you have to be working all the time in order to create the results that you want. And I’ve tried it all the ways. Right. And here’s what I’ll say like the belief that has served me so well. That I love to share with people is my work is always working for me.
Andrea Nordling 44:59
Hmm Not so good,
Chavonne Perotte 45:01
isn’t it so good. Ya know, for any of you, if you have ever made a post, if you have ever made a contact, if you have ever, you know, recorded a podcast or whatever, whatever you do, as action to advance your business and getting your business in front of people, that effort and that energy that you put forth out into the world is always working for you. I can’t tell you how many times, I’ll get a notification of a YouTube video that I did like five years at up, someone just subscribed to your YouTube channel ever posted on YouTube? And like, I can’t even tell you how long
Andrea Nordling 45:42
since back in the day when you were doing all the things? Probably Exactly. That’s literally
Chavonne Perotte 45:47
it. And so when you know that everything you do is moving the needle, and the needle is always moving, whether you can actually tangibly see it or not, then that does expand the time horizon, where it’s like in this very moment, on this very day. What if I don’t actually have to be doing anything? What if I instead can attend fully to this other thing that is calling my attention, give myself to that fully in the faith and trust that clients are coming or things are moving opportunities are coming. And that’s enough. And here’s what I’ll tell you as a business owner, right, that has had tremendous success. That is how it works, right? Like, I guarantee you the notifications on my phone for sales and consults doesn’t come when I’m like in my phone, checking every seconds, right? It comes when I’m living my life, being that successful entrepreneur, because that is the experience that you are striving so hard to create for yourself, right? No one starts a business to be working 24/7 can enjoy your life, you start your business because you want your business to support the life you want to have. And so yes, there is of course in the beginning stages. And throughout, there will be ebbs and flows as markets changes, things change, there will be like maybe some extra arms that you have to give in certain periods. But that’s not the whole story. And so you want to be able to relax and allow yourself to experience both worlds of like this is a period of working in a very focused and effective way. And this is the period of trusting that everything I’ve just put out there is working, and I can be in my life, right. And you can have those two periods in a day, right? Or an hour or a six month period of time. But that is the mentality, really trusting and believing that my work is always working for me, that can enable you to not be so holding on tightly to like the tasks that you think you need to do,
Andrea Nordling 48:13
right and hyper managing the time and competing for the time and being resentful of any time that is being taken from all the things that we think we need to be doing. 1,000% so funny that you say that. So this morning, I woke up and my like, okay, just to give a little context, i and i hope this never changes. i This is one of my favorite things about myself. And I hope this never changes please knock on wood knock on all of it. I go to sleep, like you know, the the doll that like you lay them on their back and their eyes. Like I am that person. So I go to sleep at night and I have my whole life. I try to say my prayers at night. And I can get through like three seconds because I’m the doll that’s that just goes right to sleep. And I hope that never changes. I love that. But I wake up really early. And so that’s when I say my parents, so I like wake up in the morning and it’s four o’clock and my eyes pop open and I’m like, Oh, I love it. My bed is so warm, but I’m gonna get out of it. And like hop right out like Tigger, because I’m just a crazy morning person. But I say my prayers this morning. And that was like the flood that came over me was this is just not my burden. It was like this is just not my burden. And I think that that kind of speaks to what you’re saying. It was like realizing, I’ve put in the work. I’ve done the things my business is working for me. For me. I believe in God. I think people can believe in whatever they want. If even if you just call it magic, I don’t care. But for me, I’m like God is like presenting the opportunities. It’s moving forward. I don’t have to hyper manage. Oh, yeah, I don’t know. I just know I
Chavonne Perotte 49:38
and I love that because the other thought that I love that has really helped me personally and I’m sure with a lot of peers as well. Who do believe in God or higher power, whatever you call it. I call it God you call it God. It’s like when I’m out of the office. God is in my office.
Andrea Nordling 49:54
Yes, that’s so.
Chavonne Perotte 49:58
So fun. It’s like Okay, my family needs this from me or I need to do this. God’s in the office like, God, you got it. Right. Yeah, a beautiful thought. And I do think that whatever lands for you this idea, especially if you feel like you’re competing for time with your partner, where maybe they have something else that you want to do, or I think the other thing that happens with this that I want to make sure I don’t forget to say is sometimes we judge how each other spends our time, right. So for I know, for me as a business owner, and I’m also like, obsessed with personal development, I actually enjoy listening to podcasts, I prefer to do that than like, scrolling on my phone, or watching a movie or things of that nature. Whereas my husband, he has a very demanding, intellectually taxing job, that when he comes home, he likes to totally veg out and do like, the most mindless things. And so I think that’s another thing to pay attention to, like we get into these Time Wars, where it’s like, you’re not even doing anything that’s important, right? Especially when we’re like, hyper vigilant to be working all the time. It can lead to a lot of frustration when it feels like our spouse isn’t even doing anything important. And yet, I don’t have the time to do something that’s really important. And I think, you know, who says it’s not important, right? Like, decompressing and scrolling, or taking a nap or whatever, they have given themselves permission to do that. And so your frustration? Is it literally coming from like, I don’t have the time to do what I need to do? Or is it also which has been the case for me, sometimes, you don’t give yourself permission to rest? Either, right? Because you think you need to be working all the time.
Andrea Nordling 51:49
Yeah. And that’s just the slippery slope of entrepreneurship, because there is always more to do. So we could always make a very compelling case, sure, ourselves that we could just do a little bit more, we could just have a bit more, because there will always be a little bit more to do. Okay, I imagine people listening to this episode, some of them are realizing, okay, this is like, this is work I could do when my spouse says something to me about how I’m spending my time or how they wish I was spending their time or the how their time is more important, or like, so many different variations of that I imagined somebody listening to this and thinking, okay, I can like really check in with myself on why that triggered me because some part of me is questioning the same thing and exploring that a little bit, which I think is so good. I also imagine people listening to this, that are struggling with the reality of it’s not inadvertent like it’s over, my spouse does not support my business, they think it’s a waste of time, they don’t think it should be a priority. They think I should be spending my time elsewhere. Like I should get a different job, or I should something like that, like, what would we say to that?
Chavonne Perotte 52:50
Mm hmm. So I think if that is your experience, right, and there have been periods in my own marriage, where that has been the experience, right? There is a level of distance that you want to create from that, right, because I think when our partner maybe is making comments, or has a certain energy or like is visibly not on board with what we’re doing, we can take it very personal, right? It can feel like, they don’t care about me, they don’t care about my dreams, they don’t care about what I’m trying to do for us, right. And so the first step is to create a little bit of emotional distance from that, and to recognize that the model operating in their brain, the thought process, the emotions, the if the beliefs and the actions, that that other human being is taking really is a function of them. It’s not you, it’s their thoughts, their expectations, their beliefs, which honestly as to adults, they they’re entitled to just as you are entitled to yours. And so I think the more that we can just start with like, okay, they are allowed to have their thoughts. They’re just another human with some thoughts. And then it becomes less of like you needing to convince them, control them, talk them out of where they are, and you can just relax about it. Then you can spend your energy instead of trying to convince them focused on you. What you want to believe what will serve you and moving yourself forward and go from there. And a lot of times, I think I’ve coached so many people on this, it is a function of just a different belief system about business, and what it takes to build a This says, and sometimes your spouse may just have a different orientation to all of this that doesn’t align with how you know, to build a business, and how you choose to build your business. And it’s not that they don’t support you necessarily, it’s that maybe you’re just on two different planes, or into different rooms, looking at the business, right. But either way, D personalizing it and anchoring yourself into what you know to be true for you is important. And then when you can do that, that you are in an emotional space, to see if there’s a way to bridge the gap. And so one of the things that was really important for us in bridging that gap was me understanding financially what my husband’s expectations were. So he is a huge saver. That was an emerging skill set for me. And so I’m investing in a business that’s not producing any money yet. He didn’t get that. And so it became this conversation of what do you need to see to be comfortable with the next investment that I want to make. And we created a plan of just like a minimum, liquid cash number. And once I met that number, then any choices I wanted to make in my business financially, he was like, I’m good with whatever you want to do beyond that, that provided him with a level of security and safety, that then he wasn’t resentful about how I was spending money, right. And so I think when you d personalize, when you’re good with you about what you’re trying to create, then you’re open to really understanding like, what is the core underlying emotion or need? That is leading my partner to show up this way? Is it that they’re feeling neglected? Is it that they’re jealous? Is it that, like, you want to really spend some time and this is another area that I’m just, I thank God for the gift of really understanding how someone is feeling even when they’re not communicating. And so I can always tell my clients, I’m like, Oh, this is how your husband feels, or this is how your wife feels. And they’re like, It’s spot on. Unlike, I’m not attached, right? I’m not emotionally offended. I’m curious. I’m curious about it. What would lead a person who loves me? Who’s building a life with me? Who wants us to be financially free or stable just as much as I do? What would cause them not to support this? But you can only genuinely ask that question from a curious place. After you’ve done those other two steps.
Andrea Nordling 57:52
Oh, that’s so good. That’s so so so good. Okay, this is an ongoing conversation that we’re going to keep that but we’re literally going to keep having this conversation. Because, like I said in the introduction, Shavon is teaching a workshop in the profitable nutritionists program on May 20. Live, it is called your spouse and your biz, the setup for success. Specifically, she’s teaching on the three mistakes to avoid when you’re building your business in regards to your relationship with your spouse or partner, deciding what to share and what not to share. Juicy right there.
See, I imagine people are like, wait a
minute, there’s things I’ve maybe shouldn’t share, oh, we’re talking about it. And then also balancing your business needs and your family’s needs, which we touched on a little bit here. But I think that’s a much like a nuanced conversation that we’re gonna get into more detail on that workshop. So I’m super excited about that. If you are in the profitable nutritionist program, you get to come to this workshop on May 20. If you are not yet in the profitable nutritionist program, you obviously need to be And lucky for you enrollment for the program is opening on May 16, and will be open through May 22. So you have to join right when the doors open on May 16. And you will be emailed a link to join the workshop on the 20th. So excited about that. Anything you want to add. And then I think we need to tell everybody where they can find you. I don’t have
Chavonne Perotte 59:08
anything more to add, rewind this whole thing. Listen to it again. Take notes, find the one a plate that spoke to you the most that you know, like this is why I needed to listen to this podcast and take action on that. Yeah,
Andrea Nordling 59:24
that’s such a great reminder. And then for those that are coming to the workshop, you’re going to actually get coached by Shavon. And you can ask your questions too, which is awesome. Okay, so people listening, obviously, are podcast listeners. So tell them about your podcast and tell them yes,
Chavonne Perotte 59:40
so just hop on over in your search bar right now. Fill it up. Love marriage again, with Dr. Shavon. You’ll see me there you see my fat smiling face greeting you to go on and subscribe and there’s over 200 episodes right Now so you’ve got a lot that you can choose from that lands for you. And listen to a podcast episode and let me know what your takeaways are. Oh
Andrea Nordling 1:00:10
my gosh 200 episodes congratulations to you. It’s almost like you have this time thing figured out to
say almost like it or something. Almost
Chavonne Perotte 1:00:22
almost where I can text my husband and be like, I’m recording my podcast and he’s like, Okay, I’ll be quiet. Evacuate the house. Everybody has the other side of all of this.
Andrea Nordling 1:00:37
Exactly. Okay, so
we will have your website, all the social media, the podcasts, all the things linked up in the show notes as well. Thank you so much for coming and talking about competing for time. wasn’t sexy, but sexy topic right? So
Chavonne Perotte 1:00:52
both of those things.
Andrea Nordling 1:00:56
As always, I love having you here, my friend.
Chavonne Perotte 1:00:58
love being here. Thank you
